Handicapping the 2012 GOP Primary

Crime...boy...I don't know.

…and no, I don’t mean taking a crowbar to someone’s knee. Wink wink.

I like politics. I like gambling. I don’t care for many Republicans. So boldly going where…I’m sure someone…has gone before, here’s my quick odds on the GOP field heading into New Hamshah.

MITT ROMNEY
MONEYLINE: -900
THOUGHTS: He’s going to win this, and make all of the blather from the last year meaningless. The GOP is so lacking in leadership that the guy who couldn’t win last time around will get it this time around. Romney has taken a lot of positions on a lot of things throughout the years, and he’ll hit ‘em all from now until November. The fact that the other candidates are still hammering each other while Mittens is hammering President Obama says that he knows he’s got it in the bag. Of course, many times when you think you’ve got something in the bag, it jumps out of the bag at the last moment and claws yer eyes out. But until he says something stupid, or we find a dead hooker in his closet (-600 on that, BTW) Mitt’s the man. Bet you $10,000?

RICK SANTORUM
MONEYLINE: +400
THOUGHTS: I don’t like Rick Santorum. I don’t like him a lot. He believes things that I find sickening, and he believes them to the core. He believes contraception should be illegal, gay rights should be rolled back to the Crusades and that abortion should be punishable by jail time (except in the case of his family, of course.) If I had a child, I wouldn’t let Rick Santorum within 50 nautical miles of that child. That said, there are people who listen to him speak and nod “uh huh, I like what he’s sayin’.” Until these people die off or are put in FEMA camps, we’re going to have to deal with the possibility of a Santorum presidency. The people who agree with him are looking for someone just as insane as they are, and they’ve got their guy. So stock up on condoms and get a gay marriage just in case. Because he’s lurking.

RON PAUL
MONEYLINE: +900
THOUGHTS: Ron Paul is the Rick Santorum of economists, college kids and people who’ve seen every episode of “Firefly” 12 times. They love him a lot. He wants smaller government, less intervention in the world (to the point of rolling back the calendar to the 1850′s) AND YOU TO KEEP MORE OF YOUR MONEY!!! But beyond his gold standard fetishism and ill-fitting suits, Paul has a dark, weird, quasi-racist side. The newsletters, the speeches at the John Birch Society, the thumbs up from Stormfront, his weird opposition to the Civil Rights Act…none of it sits well with anyone who isn’t a white, old crazy person or a junior at Wisconsin. Paul will hang around for a while, then drop out and go back to his cave to hoard gold coins, like the political Smeagol he is.

NEWT!!!
MONEYLINE: +1200
THOUGHTS: Smug, superior and smarmy until the day is long, Newt reminds me of the history professor at the local college who’s never had a real job, but lords over his students like a mini-Mussolini. Yeah, he’s a really smart guy with some interesting ideas. He’s also kind of a scumbag. More importantly, Newt’s not anywhere near conservative enough for the “kill teh gheys” crowd. But I don’t see him quitting until he’s completely, totally, 100% out of it. Then he’ll write a few more books and hit the speakers circuit.

RICK PERRY
MONEYLINE: +1900
THOUGHTS: Just…just quit already, Rick. You know you’re not going to win, but you’re too stubborn to actually ingest that information. Every time you open your mouth, something incredibly stupid comes out. So stop. Go back to Texas, get your back problems taken care of, and write a book about “Restoring America’s Promise” or something.

HERMAN CAIN
MONEYLINE: +2500
THOUGHTS: You know he’s getting back in this thing at some point. For about a week. 9-9-9 will never die.

JON HUNTSMAN
MONEYLINE: +5000
THOUGHTS: I sort of don’t hate Huntsman. He seems to have a real grasp on America’s place in the world, and he hasn’t said anything Jumpin’ Jack Flash crazy. BUT, he’s got very little name recognition and he was named Ambassador to China by President Satan, so he’s got no chance. Wouldn’t mind seeing him get some position in the second Obama admin, though.

SARAH PALIN
MONEYLINE: +10000
THOUGHTS: Can’t count her out. She’s been waaaaaaaay too quiet lately.

FIELD
MONEYLINE: +25000
THOUGHTS: This includes Huckabee, Rush, Bachmann, Turner, Overdrive and Zombie Reagan. Bet at your own risk!

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One thought on “Handicapping the 2012 GOP Primary

  1. gregm says:

    I’d rank Huntsman higher (def. higher than Cain or Perry at this point), because he really is conservative, the mass in the Republican party just hasn’t figured it out yet. Our gain, since he’d be a stronger candidate than Romney. But overall, a good rundown.

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