Explosions, you say?
Remember that part in “Star Trek VI” where the Federation Ambassador (or whoever) says, in the aftermath of the Klingon factory moon exploding, “the Klingon Empire has roughly fifty years left to live?”
Of course you do. Well, today a realization hit me like a chunk of that factory moon hitting a Klingon right between the eyes.
The human race has roughly five to seven years left until Michael Bay makes a 9/11 movie.
If you’re not familiar with Michael Bay, he makes movies. Movies like “The Rock,” “Bad Boys,” “Con Air” and “Armageddon.” Loud, long, violent bad movies that are created whole-cloth out of randomly strung together combinations of violence, explosions, boobs, incredibly close-up shots of faces, a camera that never stops moving, incoherent plots that exist to hang actions scenes on, lens flares, butts, plane crashes, rag-tag groups of misfits getting together to save the world, farts, racist ethnic humor, robots and erotically photographed classic cars that randomly blow up while Aerosmith ballads play and Navy SEALS fast rope in from helicopters that then also blow up. Michael Bay makes movies that film school students sneer at while hoping they’ll be one-tenth as successful as he is. He makes insanely successful movies that critics revile and 14 year old boys want to reenact in their backyards with firecrackers and bags of pilfered Ritalin. In a Michael Bay movie, if a scene doesn’t feature an explosion, a woman bending over to show her cleavage or a jive-talking robot farting, it doesn’t last longer than 12 seconds, no matter how much exposition it has to get out. He is America incarnate. Loud, proud and rigging shaped charges on a bridge full of strippers. Though to be fair, “The Rock” and “Con Air” are kind of good.
So why is this director going to make a movie about 9/11, you ask.
Michael Bay has spent the last decade cranking out three Transformers movies, with a fourth one coming in 2014. As Bay directed all of them, they have all the hallmarks of movies made by Michael Bay. Explosions, mayhem, boobs, stunted man-children for heroes and plots so juvenile and incoherent that they make Days of Our Lives look like Gravity’s Rainbow. Or maybe the other way around. I’ve seen all three, and can tell you only that A. they have a lot of annoying robots, incoherent plots and unfunny jokes about jive-talking robots passing gas in them, and B. I’m ashamed of myself for having seen all three of them.
But before Bay became Megatron’s man in Hollywood, he directed a film that turned America’s greatest pre 9/11 loss of life into a love triangle featuring Ben Affleck. I’m talking, of course, about “Pearl Harbor.” How the Japanese sneak attack on the US Navy wasn’t enough for Bay to make a movie out of is beyond me, but there it is, probably playing on TNT as you read this.
I believe that once the fourth (!) Transformers movie is done, Michael Bay will move on. He’ll want to do something “important” that “matters” to him as a “filmmaker.” In 2014, the 20th Anniversary of 9/11 will be only seven years away. But since it takes Michael Bay less time to make a movie than it takes most people to paint their house, he’ll probably make two or three other pieces of crap before that. But all that time, he’ll think about how he can cement his “artistic” “legacy.” And he’ll keep thinking about 9/11, and what he has to “say” about it.
And then, an idea will come to him. An idea for a movie about 9/11. The time will be right. And “Untitled Michael Bay 9/11 Project” will be greenlit.
Michael Bay’s 9/11 movie will be a love triangle about a hijacker, the Special Forces Operator hunting him, and the CIA Analyst in love with them both. It will star Zac Efron as the Special Forces guy, a white Hollywood star playing “ethnic” as the terrorist and whatever lingerie model Bay is “dating” at the time as the woman who comes between them. It will feature a who’s who of top actors in character roles, humiliating themselves for large paychecks. It will have needless shootouts, pointless plot twists and brutally unfunny “ethnic humor” featuring camels, farts and farting camels. And it will happen at 100 mph in 3-D. Special Forces Guy will hunt the Terrorist to the ends of the earth, going to exotic and beautiful locales, then setting them on fire.
Of course, they’ll all come together on that fateful day, and as the Terrorist’s plane crashes into the tower where the Special Forces guy is and the CIA Analyst watches in slow-motion horror, an Aerosmith ballad will play and New York will go up in nuclear flame (somehow, a nuclear bomb will be on the plane. Don’t bother to ask how, as it won’t make sense or matter). But as we sift through the wreckage, we’ll see Special Forces Guy emerge unscathed, grab CIA Analyst chick and kiss the hell out of her. Critics will call the movie vile, exploitative and insulting to the memory of everyone who ever lived. And it will make $500,000,000,000,000. Or something like that.
Maybe I’m wrong. Maybe I’m setting up a straw man, an argument I devised just to knock down.
But I don’t think I am.
And ten years from now, when you’re flipping through the channels on TNT and come across “Freedom and Fire” (or whatever it will be called), don’t say I didn’t warn you.